Dear addiction,
A lot has changed since I last wrote ....
As I look back on last year, I remember taking my son on a cold recovery day in February. There are no preparations for dropping a son or daughter in a rehabilitation center. Parents drop their kids off at a friend's house to sleep or camp, taking them to their first day of class. I remember taking Eric to school 14 years ago. I have a "lump" in my throat. I can tie my eyes. Worry - Is he ok? I can't believe she'll be gone all day. Is he ready? What if he needs me?
There is nothing that can be compared to bringing her in. I will never forget standing in the lobby of the recovery facility. I heard the therapist talking to my son. He accidentally asked what medicine he had chosen. I heard him say, "HEROIN". She didn't hear this. Heroin is a stranger to me, a death sentence. I've heard my son say this for the first time 5 days before, but this time, it's stronger. It hurts my head, I think it will explode. My whole body was shaking, my eyes were water ...
I saw my son. He looks nervous, just like how he looked in the early years this morning when I left him at school. Except, this look is more complicated. She was out of sight, excited to meet her new friends and teachers. He doesn't wear new clothes or new tennis shoes. She was told to wear comfortable clothes. But, he looks a bit relieved. Relax, that he knew he was here ....
My husband & I stand and watch the therapist check his duffle bag. Looking for clarity, no drugs or alcohol. But also, no hair spray, laundry, cell phones, cigarette packs. When he calmly explained my son was living in rehab to us, I wanted to scream, "You know what? He's different from all the other kids that come here, he's got it, he's my son and he's going to be a success story." -she'll trust me ... I look straight into her eyes as she talks, wondering "Are you a mom? Do you realize what's happening to me? Do you care that I haven't slept in 5 days Does she know what Feeling like he was standing on your kid's bed while he was being detoxified from a very addictive drug? where is the hidden camera Tell me this is a cruel test of my mother's love passing with flying colors NOW Giving me SON SON BACK .......
Eleven months later, I have not only had my son, I have a vibrant and confident young man, determined to keep you out of his life - for TODAY, too .... One day at a time. This has been my personal motto. This is not to say that I don't care about the future or that I'm careless or irresponsible. What that means is, for today, I'll be the best person I can be. I won't judge others. I will love my husband and my 3 beautiful children for who they are. I will love myself for who I am. I will remind myself that I am human, that I will make mistakes and hope to learn from them. If it wasn't for you, I would still insist on uncontrollable things. Trying to "fix" others and not know myself as I do today. So, for that, I thank you. Isn't it funny? A few years ago, I hated you, despised you, I hated you for what you did to me as a child, how you made my sister seem nervous all the time, how you made my son unable to see anyone in in the eyes. Now, I thank you. It's amazing the time & knowledge that can be done to someone. I no longer try to control others and take care of myself — guilty too!
Hate is a common thing for your family members. It's easy to get mad at you. You've caused a lot of people pain and heartache. Holding anger only allows you to have POWER over my emotions. I won't let you have it. Anger is too much energy. It's annoying. I have found positive ways to use my energy. I take action; I learned about you, I volunteered for the Alliance on Drugs. I now say HEROIN, quite innocently, just like a therapist. I keep spreading the news about you and letting others know there is hope and help. I will not keep quiet or keep secrets. If I keep quiet, how can others learn from my experience? Isn't that the purpose of life? Sharing our experiences, our knowledge with others so they can learn from it too? Keeping it quiet will send my child the wrong message. He'll tell me I'm ashamed or ashamed of him. I don't want to do that. Most of the first year of recovery is spent eliminating the shame & guilt you feel. I need to let my son know that I forgive him too. He needs a clean pronunciation. I think of us all. I don't want to add to her "mental baggage of negativity". I want to help ease his guilt. Forgiveness really says - you hurt me. Please don't do it again. And, just because I forgive you, doesn't mean I trust you. I'm afraid to give you a chance to do it again. Forgive someone is afraid of being exposed again.
I'm on my way to recovery. It was a wonderful trip. Just as all trips can be loud or detoured along the way, I am no different. My family is rebuilding our foundation. You control my son like a tornado hitting our house. The 5 of us left standing, feeling alone, with no roof or walls to protect us. Each of us, slowly putting the bricks with the bricks back to our house. Slowly, but surely, we deal in our own way. There is more to life than fighting your existence. Peace is difficult. You paralyzed me emotionally. You caught me with my guard and as a worried mother I got my son the help he needed. I'm in survival mode. It made me so busy, so busy, my daughters felt abandoned. Feeling this way, creating hostility. I now know how important it is to be forgiven. I apologize for the absence of my emotions. It's hard when you apologize to someone and are really sorry for something, but that's not enough or enough. I can't change the past but I can learn from the past. Removing or relieving pain is a process and will take time. I keep praying that my daughter will forgive me soon. They're amazing young women with big hearts, so I'm waiting patiently.
This relationship is worth the wait of a lifetime for forgiveness ... My children are the center of my heart, they are precious people. I'm proud to be their mother. I'm so happy that I've learned to accept them because they're not what I think they should be.
You are still present in my life, always will be. But, right now, you are a powerful, positive, learning tool, to speak. Today, I will continue to strive to be the best person I can. You are my inspiration to help others.
That's for now, I'll get in touch.
PS I think I'll call the therapist and tell him, THIS DAY my son is a success story ...
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