You left home today. I kept repeating that statement over and over in my mind, trying to understand what it meant. I have lived your life to prepare for this, sometimes wish it came quickly and sometimes hope that today will not come. Most of the time though, I have prepared myself and prepared you, confidently gathering life's questions and answers in the hope that I have forgotten nothing. I keep checking the list in my head; checking out everything I know I've told you - over and over.
As tempting as it was to sneak some big guys into casual conversation I corrected myself and let it go. Your face image appears in front of me and I see your eyes look up and your mouth tightens with your expression we know well. "My mother knows - you've told me a hundred times."
Well, you know I'm good enough to expect a letter stored in your luggage with just a few pages of instructions on 'keeping yourself safe and healthy.' You might expect to find food there, a little treat to keep you going. And a lot of XXX are posting on notes like a noisy kiss on your naked stomach.
Protecting you and preparing you has become a big part of who I am - it's hard to redefine myself and accept my job.
I reminded myself that this was about you, but as always, here I made it about myself again. A bit neurotic, I find myself wanting to explain or apologize or get some kind of release from you. I want to go back to your history and call myself to your attention and wipe the clean slate clean from my mistake. I admit that I've been selfish and hypocritical at times, and I don't want you to leave now thinking that it was your fault or that you should not be better.
Yes, yes, I heard you say 'Don't worry, it's not important'.
I have such a desire to tell you about the promises I made, as you slept under my heart all those years ago. So very real and profound to me and so fierce that I'm sure I'll cry if I try to tell you too. You will certainly move from one foot to the other and endure my exposure with discomfort and impatience.
The first step mini-movie, the first words and everything else ate me up. The tooth fairy and the story of Santa Claus and Easter. Small trophies, wall posters, clay models and lego buildings.
I spoiled myself, that was my prerogative, but I had promised myself to keep it to myself. I want to remember, when you have one foot out the door. I'll go back to the baby and you'll go to that guy. You have the freedom, the freedom and the adventure in your mind. I know you're ready; capable, credible and smarter than I ever did.
My attitude shifts when I accept that you don't need any precautions, no more moralization; no longer "You know what you should do ..."
And although I have represented myself as a parent and teacher, I have clearly seen that I am a student as well. I've learned a lot from you, you've played a huge role in shaping my people. You've taught me well and I'm grateful.
Now, I have to tell you everything about you that fills me with pride and awe. Another long list of what you've achieved, who you are, your character and your integrity. I want to put your wishes in order and make sure that everything comes true for you. I want you to stand at the table and have everyone who knows you, come forward and pay homage to you. But you will hate it too.
It's never about what you've done or what you've been able to do. It's just about who you are; the true value is in the fact that you exist.
No, you do not need to be told who you are or what you are capable of. You don't judge yourself for things like this and I don't want you to do either. You are your own person and you are comfortable with your own skin, and at the end of the day, it tells me that I have done well. This tells me that you are ready for the world and that the world will be better for you as a participant.
I really didn't have to tell you anything - I was also wondering what the effect of any words would have been. I believe I taught you by example, but more than that, I think you always know my heart. The umbilical cord may be symbolic of the heart-to-heart relationship between mother and child.
When you leave today, I'll light a candle and place it on the window sill. Think about it, if you are wandering in the shadows or if you need to lighten. Let it always be your voice.
And all in all, there are only two things left to say to you, "I'm proud of you and I love you."
Copyright Sonya Green
www.reinventingmyself.com
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