Have you ever wondered what it feels like to be cancerous? What physical and emotional difficulties come to you, and what is the point of anxiety? It's sad to think about cancer and how it affects one's life, and the toll it takes for relationships around you. Want a sneak peek? Below are the windows of my life with cancer ...
"What does it feel like to have cancer?"
1. It feels like a lump of Tylenol on my left breast. After 1 week of looking at it, and it didn't develop, I made an appointment with a local gynecologist. They weren't too serious, they were more concerned about the dense tissue they found in the right breast ... but they listened to me, and made a mammogram with ultrasound in addition.
2. Ideas and what's going on? During the ultrasound, radiologists came after examining the images and conducting their own tests, measuring and marking their concerns. I was told that biopsies are needed, but not to worry because 80% of them return negative. Seeing the blank look on my face, the only words that came out of the nurses 'mouth,' calcification & # 39; ... call appt. My intuition is that it is something.
3. Sent through the lake in the inner tube, when will it end? Waiting for a week for biopsy will take place. A different radiologist performed an ultrasound-guided ultrasound needle biopsy, explaining each step and making it. She's not. clogging 5 samples come out of the breast and follow it by shooting a metal marker into a lump (I can't describe what it feels like, just knowing that I don't want my worst enemy). I was asked to look at the sample, after reading that if the liquid came out it was clear that it was benign, but if it came back cloudy or bleeding then it must have been malignant. I told him what I read and he tried to convince me that it wasn't true. I don't feel confident, because I see blood in the sample. A nurse gave me # for a decision. The next 3 days drag and so on.
4. Hockey hit my chest from the great Wayne Gretsky. I have Invasive Duct carcinoma, less than 1 mm and grade 4. Can not breathe, immediately go on autopilot.
5. death penalty. The thought of never seeing my kids graduate, get married and have their own flash baby quickly through my brain.
6. God is testing me. I made a comment that I couldn't believe a colleague gave up the fight and waited around to let her eat it. I said that if I were, I would cross it off my bucket list. After 2009, I was no longer thinking about other people ... you DON'T know how you would react when you found out you had a cancer animal. I wish I passed the "HIS" test!
7. Insomnia. Lying on the bed, PT stopped me from encircling the traitor between us, staring at the wall trying to sleep. Wake up, look at the same damn wall and realize it's not a dream, that's my reality. Repeatedly.
8. Loss of body parts. When the surgeon makes the choice of surgery, I believe in saying "just get a healthy breast". PT, on the other hand, cannot understand why I am guilty of losing body parts.
9. Secret. Knowing that I had cancer on B's birthday s. Bring your family for a weekend getaway and hold it all in and be "happy". Maintaining secrets for the PT side to enjoy the birth of their first grandson.
10. Not understandable. Having the courage to tell my kids (5th and 8th grade) that Mom has cancer, it will change our lives for the short term but promises that I'll be fine. While keeping my fingers and toes crossed I hope I can secure that promise.
11. Foolishness. A wonderful colleague wanted to throw a bon voyage party for malignant breasts and I turned it down - What was I thinking? That must be fun!
12. Secondary cancer. Is the enlarged ovarian cyst before the surgery a major cause - is cancer overdue? Bless God - these proved to be false days later - the longest days of my life.
13. Mistakes by Survivor. I was given a second chance, my colleague didn't. To this day I still praise him for saving my life. On the eve of my mastectomy, he lost a life of kidney cancer that had metastasized throughout his body. Two days after my surgery, I entered the funeral and paid tribute to his family.
14. Like roast chicken. I was warned that the blue dye used to find sentinel lymph nodes would not only change my breast but also my urine. Did I ever get shocked instead of having a huge flaw in changing the color of a beautiful magenta - if only it wasn't as hell and didn't peel like a bad sunburn.
15. Avoid pigs. I have been running out of water for 2 weeks, the goal is taking less than 30 cc's. It's been 3 days straight. The first few times the drain's over. get rid of I squealed, literally pulling the fluid out of my body. If only they could connect a few drains and strip's fat from my feet and tush ... Hmmmm ... I can make millions.
16. It's like being in a high school dance waiting to be asked to dance. Pathologists test cancer cells to see what they receive. What makes you stronger cancer cells, ER +, PR +, HER2 or no Triple Negative above?
Can I have this dance so I can kick your ass?
17. Not enough empathy for PT. Everyone worried about me ... focusing on his needs ... hoping that he was confident enough to run away with his friends without violating my privacy. I cannot understand the anxiety and stress that caregivers have to deal with.
18. It was like trying out my first bra as a teenager, except this time I didn't wonder how big my breasts would be ... I could determine the size and shape of my breasts. What is your size ???
19. Extraordinary community. Save on cards, flowers, food and support from people in my life.
20. Claustrophobic. Thirteen high school students and boys participated in a "Love Lock" event in high school the day before my first chemotherapy treatment. It is clear that children are nervous, their feet sweat a minute, as brave and loving as they are to do in front of their classmates. When a colleague's daughter shows me to some other girl's girl, I hurried to the next door trying to catch my breath and stopped crying. I later learned that the pretty girl wanted to come back (she was nervous and scared to cut her long hair), but when she saw me, she decided that she would go ahead in my honor.
I'm really sorry today ... didn't have the courage to be part of the event. How do you think 200+ students and teachers would react if I cut my hair and then shaved for Locks of Love ??
Every word I write is a seed planted, waiting to be nurtured and growing, hoping to heal and become a better person.
21. Scolding. It was reported by my first oncologist to stay away from the internet. It would just confuse my mind with all the bad information / pessimism floating around. Hello Doc, how do you think I'm comfortable and confident coming to see you ... I Googled hell out of him.
22. Party. We were greeted with open arms for the first round of chemo. The three rescuers greeted us, giving us very long greetings and good bags. I was shocked, he invaded my space, I wanted to keep this thing private and I was in my (mental) zone. Three years later, I still can't tell you one thing he does, but I appreciate his encouragement and brotherhood. I still have every blessing and prayer in that good bag.
23. Science projects. The systematic way of medicine must enter the body. Steroids and pills nausea the day before and the day after chemotherapy, preventing the body from being demonized. The real day started with Benadryl, prednisone, 2 bags of Taxotere and 2 Cytoxan syringes. I'm a running pharmacy !!
24. Fire. The first round of Taxotere missed its mark ~ burning a six-inch vein over my arm. Angry, red, painful with a touch. Five months later ... still visible; eight months later he disappeared, taking a vein with him.
25. Head in the clouds. I watched too many movies, watched cancer patients risk their lives and lay down in bed. To me, reality is so thick that even a lodge cannot be seen from my rocket. On Thursday, on Sunday, I was aboard a ship shaking to the side looking for the light. Finally Tuesday slipped ... fog cleaning, lighthouse straight ahead.
26. Mouse in your head. Appointment with the hairdresser was canceled, after being told that this was a very traumatic / emotional experience, he would allow me an hour to find the hair. What? You mean this is not a chance to fulfill PT's wildest fantasies ... long hair, short hair ... red, blonde ... oh, endless possibilities. I was fully aware that this could be emotional, but I chose to make it as fun as possible. God bless CB for dropping everything on Sunday in the hunt for a wig. And God bless the little oriental women who might think we are nuts roaming through all their hair!
27. Mary J. Blige. Deciding on a wig is not for me, thankfully I spent $ 36 instead of the $ 2KI that would be spent on a wig specialty shop. Blessed be HM bringing me a dozen scarves, every shadow you can imagine. Deciding that I better channel ' image of the visible Mary J. Blige. For anyone undergoing treatment, I would like to send this wig. It's amazing, it's not for me. Maybe we can have travel wigs, connect and tie people along the way.
28. Irony. Walking up the stairs at work, hearing conversations about the importance and importance of the zodiacal symbol, and being asked for my sign. Mood immediately raised a bright smile on my face saying, "Ironically, I am cancerous". That little irony streak made me smile all day.
29. Millions of needles pierce my scalp and every hair on my head weighs a ton. Two weeks after starting chemotherapy my hair started to fall. Two and a half days later, the pain and persistent hair ball (leaving a gift for people just fun for a long time and allowing it to face ... very young =) is too much; my dear friend shaved my head.
30. Waiting for the game. Waiting for an appointment, waiting for a test result, waiting for your life to return to normal.
31. Sprint. How many miles can I run each day (3.5 days average), minimum work days (lucky with time and 2 days off), busy so I don't have time to breathe. I wish I had heard my boss say, "Remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint"! To turn the clock back on, I'll listen to it !!!
32. Weight. Seriously, I have to be the only one who gets heavy during chemotherapy. It should be a POSITIVE of all ... losing weight. No, you must have set a record for 15 pounds!
33. Orgasm. The feeling of having a shower hit my bald head and wanting to lose myself, never left the booth. This is amazing! This is the only thing I miss from losing my hair.
34. Help. The BRAC1 and BRAC2 genetic tests are back negative. Confirms my belief that my cancer is purely environmental.
35. Regret. Why don't I have a hospital put in the harbor? I run out of veins, T & C burns after every treatment ... and they refuse to use my left arm for mastectomy.
36. Your favorite glass greeting falls to the ground, destroying one million pieces. White blood cells take up to 07, causing me to isolate. Someone please tell me how one can feel so good, but the immune system is closed?
37. A woman in her eighties. Neupogen and Nuelasta shots to protect my white blood cells make every step I take torture. My hip and bones ached, but I pushed forward ... walking downtown to have breakfast with my sister and K ... despite walking 6 kilometers to get this dreaded shot.
38. "You're Outa Here". One of the hottest days of summer. Umpire had to be dehydrated, calls became worse as the rounds got longer. I'm sorry. It's and D's. Let's exaggerate, call every call. PT opened his mouth after we were all told to fire him, and actually kicked him out of the ballpark. It's still fun today !! If anyone knew PT ... coach ... athletic director ... teacher, and the most polite person I know I got kicked. Still one of the best stories around !!!!
39. Bulls eyes mark the place. I have red ox eyes on my throat all through treatment. Didn't understand the poem or why, and was very aware of it.
40. My heart is breaking. Since I lost my hair, B didn't want to have anything to do with me. He was so disappointed in me that he avoided this house like an outbreak. My heart and soul are broken each time B walks away from me, responding to her smart ass or rolling her eyes. PT told me to give her time, she'll warm me up. Don't get me wrong, I am forever grateful to our friends and neighbors who opened their home for 4-5 months, best to B. What's best for me is having a child who accepts me emotionally and physically, and not rejected by my views. For her to know that I took steps and went to hell, hoping to extend my life and pray for the chance to see her children grow up ... I am honored, hope to have grandchildren later!
41. Water Balloon! I swear to God, it feels like I have a balloon for my breasts. The tissue developer is filled with solutions, and when tapped it feels like a tight eel ready to be parked. You can bounce a quarter of my breast, lol! Thank you Dr. B to make the decision to replace it with a silicone gel. It looks more natural and really feels real (though it's still weird I don't have any feelings. Conflict I know). I'll admit, though, that a few years from now he'll be hysterical if he does appear. Can you see ... you're talking to me and suddenly my chest is flat as a pancake!
42. Bolt Flashing. Nerves are cut during mastectomy. I was told that they would resume over time, and expect pain in the entire breast and under the arm. The first one takes my breath away, and if I'm being honest ... they still do! Is enough!
43. Stupidity. Who would think they would actually stay at home after treatment, AND try to paint the master bedroom and 2 closets? After 4 treatments I was clearly not in my mind. Worst 3 days of my life! Ironically, after finding a bed to match the robin's egg blue wall, I painted it exactly 1 year later. Day tip: Find your bed or material first, then paint your wall. Telling you I've lost my mind! LOL!
44. Dry skin. Eyelids red, sore and peeling. No amount of lotion is soothing. Finally get an idea of what happens day in and day out. Rough!
45. Help. I may have lost the hair on my head, but I kept it on my arms and legs. Shhh ... we'll keep another area secret!
46. Nerves. Anyone who knows Italian, knows that they have thick eyebrows (think unibrow) that require constant attention. Looking thin I put myself on the edge that I would soon pull them out.
47. Surprise! From the woman who stopped by the store, pulled her hair, promised that it would grow back ... to the security guards at the Casino drawing me into the conversation, making me feel at ease and not a little conscious about wearing scarves in public. They add a lot of warmth to my long days!
48. Scared! Waking up from a nightmare, hearing the news that there was nothing medical they could do for me. I don't have much time. Sweating bullets, examining boys, breathing their smells calmed me down.
49. Cocktails. Increase Making Strets' walking in Brentwood, TN and having a safe friend who walked up to me and asked me what my cocktails were! Cocktails ... what's a cocktail? We can drink while walking ... cool! No !!! I finally realized he was talking about my chemotherapy drug, and the only party that had and received the inevitable buzz was our blood and veins. ** On a side note-there are many types of chemotherapy drugs on the market. The type of cancer and the nature of your cell will determine whether you are given one or more drugs during treatment. What has been assigned to me {Taxotere and Cytoxan} may not be the best for the next person. Cancer cells are very complex little demons. **
50. Hives and one big Ass! After my third treatment and on my birthday no less, I came down with a bad nest case. Oncologists think it is a reaction to Taxotere and they need to monitor the next dose, to make sure it doesn't attack my lungs. I want to believe it was all the great food I ate ... roasted sausage with pepper, onions and mushrooms, my mom's favorite potato salad, fresh corn on the cakes and cake ... the cake was terrible, it ended up in the trash ... but a girl doesn't have to make her own cake ... right!). Oh, don't forget the great chocolate cake that KG surprised me with the B&B baseball game. Now that's delicious! I don't know what caused it, there was still a nest in my palm and legs a week later, but I laughed out loud when the nurse stated "and you think your butt will be bigger than all the cakes you eat, 39; of all the steroids we will put you on "!
51. WTF! I can learn that I have cancer over the phone, but I had to spend $ 40 to see my colonoscopy turned out to be pretty and my gut was healthy. Still haven't got that injustice!
52. Mouth Rot. The shirt sucked all the moisture out of my mouth. Two huge bruises camped on the back of my tongue and seemed to be there for a long time, and to make matters worse, everything felt like metal. So why do I always feed my face?
53. Fatigue. I'm so tired of being strong for everyone, bottling up my emotions, putting one foot in front of the other, keeping a family's schedule. 'normal'. I hope that someone (other than my favorite husband), anyone, will just have the courage to wrap me in their arms and let me release all of the pent-up emotions running through my body.
54. Invasion. My mother was a bodyguard, making many trips down the aisle to look after me and the boys. I know his journey and the fears of taking a toll on him. One particular arrival came on Sunday following treatment. Shame playing tricks on me ~ love that he was there, but wanted to scream as he invaded my territory and all I wanted was solitude.
55. Bonus. It's a scorcher (similar to our current summer) and I have a lot of curly, curly hair. Being bald does not mean insisting on it, straightening it only to wrap it up as soon as I walk outside. Little thanks!
56. Sad. Farrah Fawcett passed away and Michael Jackson is gaining attention. He fought cancer for 3 years fighting every step. I admire her strength and perseverance. The result can be my result — I must continue the struggle.
57. Refusal. I still cannot drink, or eat, many of the items used during treatment. The weird thing is, I chew on the ice constantly before I know I have cancer. Bring PT beans! Now, even the thought of ice on my teeth makes me feel irritated. I prefer my drinks to nails and ice free!
58. Care & Inspiration Packages. My sister-in-law (I'll give you a minute to wrap her head) was diagnosed with Stage 4 Breast Cancer a few months before my diagnosis. She started a blog to keep her family and friends informed about her prognosis and well-being. I got information from this site, Bliggity Bloggity Boo (b), and it was my lifeline in the darkest moments. When I came across it, I literally read it from the beginning. Good thing is Friday, because it's a late night. Since then, her beautiful nephew and niece (yep ... his ex-wife) have made me a flannel case to keep my bald head warm (not the sweetest thing !!), and Sue and I have been friends. even though it's 3,000 miles away. He may have no clue that I considered him my rock (or his blog) during this process. If he could have the strength and courage to kick a cancerous ass, then I have no reason to regret it myself. I am so happy that I will finally meet her in November. Woo Hoo!
59. Teenagers. Going to a local casino with friends and they actually parked me. Are you kidding me? No, they didn't! Babe bikers must be = youth, and they are not surprised to see my real age on my license. Love!
60. Anger. Avoid my MIL on the phone. I, comfort her when she cries on the phone. Something is wrong with this picture, right? I finally told her to make it work together, that I needed happy people around me, telling me dirty and inappropriate jokes. If he can't do it for her, he needs to stay away. Unfortunately, he did.
61. Rolling the Dice. The choices I make to save my life can have long-term effects on my body. Current cancer and cancer drugs that I have been taking for years can damage my heart, can lead to leukemia and cervical cancer, and increase blood clots. It's scary by itself, but the combination can make you quake in a boot. No solution. I made the choices I made to improve my chances now. If this happens in the future, we will deal with them one by one.
62. Wink. I have decided not to get a tattoo that PT can't say ' Don't worry. on. Can't imagine PT should break the news to the boys. "Sorry kids, Mom died on the table because she needed a nip" LOL! Instead, my chest proudly wraps you all. BTW ... on my 5th birthday ... you'll be able to find a tattoo somewhere on my body!
63. Routine. My routine is the method. Every 3 months I visit with my Oncologist and do countless blood work (still hoping I have the port), and every 6 months I go to my surgeon for mammograms, ultrasounds, and so on. It also found me googling every little symptom I had. Suddenly the vision and pressure in my left eye must be a tumor forming behind it. Regain ... bone cancer. See where I go with this. Every little bump, bump and bruise means something different to cancer patients. For us, it's just another cancer waiting to be discovered. We're afraid to hear the word that your cancer has metastasized.
64. Surprise. Recently received late night news that my tumor marker was higher than normal. It's been a very long month waiting to take another blood test ... thankfully those numbers are back to an acceptable range. Also thank you to my team of doctors & friends who need to make that phone call (to someone) every day of the week. Not the job I want on my resume.
65. Chemo Brain. The reality is very real to most of us. Irregular, confused, difficult time focusing and on task (trying multiple tasks = immediate anxiety), forgetting the names of people I know forever. BTW-please forgive me for the last one. It doesn't mean I don't like you, it kills me when it does and you might see a blank look in my eyes ... I promise I'll spray it after the fact. Afraid to open my mouth, because the words I was looking for didn't come, or I said something completely off or off. It's hard to swallow and to pray to fade soon!
66. The midlife crisis. "You're in remission, going home ... resuming your life"! Huh, how can I do that? The simple statement sent me down a circle that I could not pull myself out of. Maybe they should give us a step-by-step guide on how to move from fighting for your life to enjoying your life. I won't waste 3 years of my life trying everything. If only it were as easy as going out and buying a sports car!
Cancer has a ~ MINE face, and one hand that my husband hopes to keep.
I'm ashamed to say that before 2009 the cancer dropped me, equating it to the death penalty. I no longer think this ...
Does this mean that I'm 44 years old?
I'm so glad I decided to take on this job. I wish I had helped someone there in the cyber room. I know that I've helped myself. I'm finally moving on past my midlife crisis, and I'm ready and willing to tackle the world (or at least my little section on Dr. Dana)! I have listed a number of negatives in my little journal, but I have to be fair and say that there are many positives. I have a new appreciation for life! It's a magical world full of opportunities. I have an amazing husband who complies with all my shit. If the shoes were reversed, I might have walked a long way from the dock very briefly! I also have 2 beautiful boys. They make me do things and say crazy things, but I am proud of people's lives. people they become. I've been blessed with friends who have my back, every hour of the day. The release of support, whether through a Wednesday dinner, inspiration card, or blanket that miraculously appeared in my front door, blows my mind. How cool is it that people actually like me? !!
I am grateful to be able to give back, raise thousands of dollars for the American Cancer Society and instill the values of giving and community to my children. Relay for Life is not an option for me in ' 09. My view being a paper bag, I have been running for the bag to ease hyperventilating inside. Today I am proud to be a paper bag, representing the survivors everywhere. Making money for a worthy organization is important to me. They support so much with their educational and research tools, and I fully utilize their resources during treatment.
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